Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A poet is not poetic
poets are the most un-poetical creatures
confounded and confused by their own minds
struggling to create,
not realizing it must come as freely as leaves to trees
A poet is not poetic
words come quickly, the wrong ones
in conversations with ones we admire or adore
besieged by thoughts
unbidden burdens to share a world of our own invention
A poet is not poetic
unspoken yet frightfully implied
the secrets of hearts and heads
in black and white for all the world to see.
So what is it that you want? What’s your dream? A friend of a few years asked me those questions, and I didn’t have a proper answer. So I thought about it and said “Out of life, a home, a husband, a career that doesn’t make me hate people, or my life. Happiness. And I know happiness can’t be bought, but money can be used to make decisions and choices that add to or detract from our happiness.”
That’s not good enough she said. What’s your real dream? What gets you up in the morning and keeps you going through the day? Pure steam I thought, caffeine, the desire not to die…
I don’t know, I finally said, I don’t remember my dreams.
And that made me think of the Hughes poem, ‘A Dream Deferred’.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
And I thought about my dreams and my life and was more than unhappy, more than unfulfilled… I was diseased, distressed, angry and saddened more than any other time in my 30+ years. I cried, and I hate crying. I allowed my dreams to die, I allowed my life force to just disappear, unlike Hughes’ dreams mine disintegrated, dissolved, and died a quiet and slow death like cancer. And I hadn’t realized it until questioned about it. Why? How? When? When did this start? And why didn’t I realize it? And more importantly can I resurrect them? Can I be whole again?
Whole again...? Can we really be whole, when our dreams have died? Not the fleeting dreams of childhood, for ponies or puppies, for cookies and candy, but the life affirming, purpose driven dreams we…I’ve apparently ignored in favor of paying the bills and not starving. Can you recover discarded dreams?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
I had the privilege of growing up on the East Coast of the
However, I would prefer to visit snow elsewhere, than shovel it here.
After spending the past six winters of my life in the
Rain in lieu of sub-zero temperatures has become a pleasure. The sights and sounds of a hard falling rain have always made me smile; a storm not big enough to cause major damages, but just heavy enough to wash the city. Just heavy enough to make the world feel clean again. Even though we know we'll never be clean again.
However anything that makes the Tenderloin smell a little cleaner is a blessing.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Or is it possible, "we" had nothing to do with it? Strong women in this society are admired, to a point. You can be strong, but not too strong. "Don't make waves" unless they help my agenda.
Why do we have to tread lightly? (that's the last water reference, I promise)
Why do women, especially women of color have to worry more about ruffling feathers and pushing buttons than men? And, no, I'm not implying men don't have to worry about these issues as well. However, when a man takes initiative or makes changes he's seen as assertive, proactive (yes, that word has been thrown about too much). If these same actions are performed by a woman, she's seen as aggressive, (yes, even in the 21st century) as overstepping her boundaries. Or worse her input isn't acknowledged and now that she's shouldered more responsibility if she doesn't continue to do so she's seen as lazy or not a team-player(yet another word/phrase heard once too often).
So what? Who cares as long as you know? Bull! Everyone wants to be acknowledged for their efforts at work, for their considerate acts with family and friends. Not everyone needs a parade, but a simple thanks or cost of living pay increase is always a good sign of appreciation.